The Leaders Who Influence Best Don’t Start With Power, They Start With People

The rhetoric dominating headlines this week is weighing on my mind. It reads as strong, decisive, certain, in control on the surface. But veiled so thinly beneath (that I hope we’re all seeing it peeking through) is the glaring truth that this isn’t how influence actually works.

There’s a tension here that I’m not hearing us talk about. Specifically:

You don’t have to agree with someone to understand them but you do have to understand them to influence them.

And the moment we stop seeing people as people, as individuals with motivations, fears, pressures, and incentives, we’ve already started solving the wrong problem.

Not just morally, but strategically.

Dehumanization is a shortcut. In my opinion, it’s a cop-out. A way to not sit in feelings but to dismiss them for the sake of control and rapid forward progress (or at least the illusion of it).

While this might make for a less uncomfortable short-term moment, the longer-term impact is that shutting down information erodes trust and guarantees you’ll miss what actually matters.

Real strength looks different.

It looks like staying curious when it would be easier to label or seeking context when you think feel certain or choosing connection when control feels faster.

If this feels far removed from your world, it’s not.

This is what it looks like at work:
– Writing someone off as “difficult” instead of getting curious
– Avoiding a hard conversation and calling it “being supportive”
– Leading through authority when trust would actually get you further

And at home:
– Assuming defiance instead of asking what your kid is feeling or needing
– Prioritizing compliance over connection because it’s faster in the moment
– Forgetting that behavior is communication, not a personal attack

Sure, it’s a different scale, but the pattern is the same.

We don’t become different leaders because the stakes are smaller.

We have the opportunity to practice the same habits and watch them compound and spread in our circles.

So if your version of strength requires you to stop seeing people as people,

it’s not strength. It’s avoidance.

And it will cost you more than you think.

So, before you decide someone is “difficult,” pause and ask:
What would I understand if I stayed curious for 30 seconds longer?