The hardest accountability conversations aren’t with your team. They’re with your peers and seniors.

The challenge? How to hold your peers and seniors accountable without damaging the relationship.
Why this is the real leadership test at senior levels

We spend a lot of time talking about accountability in leadership. Most of the time though, it’s aimed downward, whether it’s coaching teams or giving feedback or managing performance.

While this is a fundamental of leadership, it’s actually not the most important type of accountability.

The most critical and challenging accountability for senior leaders is managing sideways and up. It’s in these spaces that even the most experienced leaders fall quiet. Not because they don’t see the issues but because addressing them can be uncomfortable and complicated.

With peer and senior accountability, there’s no hierarchy to lean on. Without authority lines, new tools are required to manage the relationship. Why? Because now you’re managing shared power, shared responsibility, and a high-stakes relationship that you don’t want to damage.

Let me let you in on a little secret though:

Leaders that are good at this are respected by their peers and their seniors.

Those that aren’t good at it or choose to avoid a potentially uncomfortable moment are choosing the now over the long term. Avoiding accountability with your peers doesn’t protect the relationship. It slowly erodes it. Why? Because trust isn’t built on comfort. It’s built on the ability to tell the truth, stay in connection, and build a better outcome together.

So - let’s reframe accountability between peers and seniors. This is a shift from “Is this my responsibility?” to “Am I willing to say something that might create tension, in service of something bigger?”

What Actually Works

Let’s get into some tips for the how. Holding a peer accountable doesn’t require you to be aggressive or confrontational. Instead, your target is to be clear, direct, and kind. What does kindness look like in accountability?

It looks like:

• Giving feedback that builds on ideas instead of tearing them down

• Watching your tone and body language to make sure you are dialing confrontation down and coming from a place of friendship and respect

• Demonstrating the intent of improving outcomes for both your peer or senior and the larger results you share with them

A few principles that make the difference:

1. Start from shared goals, not personal frustration
Anchor the conversation in what you both care about. Likely, this is your shared success as a team, improving culture, or business impact.
This keeps it from feeling like a personal attack and reframes it as a shared responsibility.

2. Name what you’re seeing, not what you’re assuming
Focus on observable behaviors and their impact.
Avoid mind-reading or assigning intent as it immediately puts people on the defensive.

My favorite way to do this (and those of you that know me will recognize this) is to say: I’m seeing XYZ but I hypothesize that there’s a different intent under the surface. Then, I pause and let the peer or senior tell me the intent. From there, we can ideate on how we can better align the intent (which is almost always good) with the desired outcome.

3. Be direct and respectful (you don’t have to choose)
Many leaders overcorrect here. They either soften so much that the message gets lost, or they come in too hard and damage trust.
Clarity and respect can and should coexist.

4. Address it early and privately
Delay doesn’t make accountability easier. It makes it heavier. A quick one on one conversation in the now is the best way to avoid built-up frustration.
Remember that leadership, no matter how you slice it, involves ego. It’s almost always best to have conversations like this outside of the meeting room.

5. Stay in it after the moment
Accountability isn’t a one-time callout. It’s an ongoing relationship.
Follow up. Stay connected. Reinforce that the goal is trust and helping each other grow, not “winning.”

6. Most important! Ask for conversations like these to go both ways
Frame your feedback as a two-way street. Right now you’re giving but later, you’d like to receive.
I have found that the best way to make this happen is to directly ask for it in the moment.

Specifically, watch for body language in the room. If you have a hunch that a peer is in disagreement with your direction but isn’t speaking up - ask for their support. “I noticed a bit of a shift in the meeting about XYZ, do you have a point of view you’d like to share with me on it? I would love your help building this out.”

And please: mean it! Stop being precious with your work and instead be open. If you can do this, you’ll not only elevate your work but your relationships will grow with your peers and seniors.

The Real Work of Senior Leadership

At senior levels, your impact is no longer just about what you deliver. It’s about what you allow.

The conversations you avoid don’t disappear. They show up in team dynamics, culture, and results.

And trust me, your team is watching you in these moments. Your openness to hold others accountable in a kind and relationship building way has the opportunity to have a trickle effect in your organization.

There’s nothing more beautiful than seeing your team begin to model this behavior at their own level. The best way to coach this is to live it.

A Different Way to Think About It

Holding a peer accountable isn’t a threat to the relationship. It’s an investment in it.

In many ways, the strongest leadership relationships aren’t the most comfortable ones.

Instead, they are the ones who prioritize telling the truth, navigating tension, and fostering respect.

That’s not easy. But it’s the work.

And it’s the responsibility of those in power to not only do this work, but to demonstrate it and operationalize it with their teams.

That’s the difference between leadership that maintains the status quo and leadership that actually moves things forward.